Maybe I'm Catty: I'm just saying my thoughts

I'm hungry... I'm sleepy... I'm scared... I love you... Go home... I feel awkward... I'm overwhelmed... This is what I want... This is what I think of this... I like this... I don't like that...

For the past 2-3 weeks or so, I have been saying what I think. I'm being more honest with myself and with others. I'm saying how I feel and what I want. It's hard to say what people are saying and thinking about me as I have been doing this.--- It's hard because I'm not other people; I'm just me and I like it that way.--- But I think saying my thoughts is a good thing.

My tendency--- for as long as I can remember--- is to keep everything (my feelings, my thoughts, desires etc.) to myself. If I'm afraid, I'll deal with it myself. If I'm sad, I'll cry by myself. In love? Keep it to myself and not tell the person I'm in love with, or anyone for that matter. Feeling awkward or overwhelmed? Don't bother my friends and family with it: they have their own problems to deal with; I'll eventually calm down by myself. Even if I'm sleepy, my nap can wait until later. Or if I'm hungry, I'll make my own lunch: good old p & j sandwich.

My sister told me last week that my mom doesn't necessarily like what I'm saying or how I'm saying my thoughts. I don't know if that's true or not. I'm not sure if Mom is telling her one thing and me another, or if she is finally saying what she thinks, too. But when I asked my sister what she thinks of me saying my thoughts, she described me as CATTY.

Maybe I am.

Is that a bad thing? I don't want to be mean and hurt others' feelings, but I think there are times when I should speak up for myself, say what I'm thinking. And that's what I'm trying to do. It's kinda new for me, so I'm still learning what things are okay to say and what things aren't. Be patient with me, my friends.

I think saying my thoughts is a good habit to get into because when I'm a missionary, I will be able to tell my companions (hopefully in a nice way) what I'm thinking about them. I'll be able to tell them when I appreciate their help, when I feel like they're stepping on my toes, when I'm overwhelmed and I need their support--- when I feel good about the way they are teaching and I can ask questions about how I can better improve the way I teach the Gospel....

My honesty will (or hopefully will) help the investigators as well. If I see something they're doing well at---praying more, reading the scriptures, etc.--- I can say my thoughts and applaud them for their efforts and good work in gaining and strengthening a testimony of Christ.

If I am honest with my companions and those I will teach, perhaps they will feel just as open to speak to me about the things that I am doing. Communication is good. It's good in any relationship.

So maybe I am Catty. But at least I'm beginning to communicate better; at least I'm trying to tell those around me how I am feeling and what I am thinking. (shrug)

Learning to Breathe

I know I shouldn't, but I sometimes hold my breath while I'm running. I discovered this yesterday when I decided to take off running down the hill by my house to the park.

I want to be a good runner. I want to exercise more, really, but specifically I want to start running. Not that I'm not fit. I am. I just want to get used to walking for long periods of time. When I go on my mission I'll be expected to do a lot of walking, even running--- from dogs (like dingos, possibly, eh?), and kangaroos. (Do kangaroos chase missionaries in Australia??)

The problem is, I'm not much of a runner. I thought about trying out for the track team in high school but never did. And I try to have all these plans of getting up in the morning and running around the block, but I never do.

That is all going to change. I haven't figured out my schedule quite yet, but when I do... I'll make sure I plan on running every other day or something.

Yesterday---just to try it out--- I went running. And I realized that I forget to breathe. It's such a silly thing to forget. Not only that, but it poses a few problems. 1) It makes me more tired more quickly 2) it makes me red in the face and I feel light headed, which isn't a good thing, and 3) I could die; breathing is not only a habit I have gotten myself into, but something that is crucial if I decide to continue living.

I've had to re-learn to breathe. There is a rhythm, I've learned. "one, two, three, four BREATHE!... one, two, three, four, BREATHE!..." My sister and her husband taught me a few things about breathing while running. Also, I need to set my shoulders back while I run, and I need to swing my fists better. So much to remember. Such simple things that take practice.

I imagine being a missionary will feel like this: learning to breathe all over again. I'll have to create/ find a groove, get used to the rhythm of missionary work and remember to breathe...!

Best Friends

With you
I can do anything,
Be anything.

I feel brave.
I feel funny.
I feel cute,
But only with you.

I'm not afraid
When you're holding my hand.

I am safe
When I'm in your arms.
I'm away from all harms---

I am free.
I am me.

And I'm okay
when I say
I am me.

(This poem didn't used to have a title. Now it does. It's a perfect title, I think. I wrote this back on July 28, 2007. I still feel this way about my best friend/ boy friend. He's pretty awesome.)

Carpe Diem

Remember that balance I was looking for? (Refer to "I'm sitting down" blog.) I think I found it. It was really easy, too. It's in two little Latin words: "Carpe Diem!" Seize the day!

This week I have been doing just that. I have been doing what I want. And I have also been able to do what I need to do as well. I think the trick is making lists of the things I need to get done, wanting to do those things--- and then doing the other things I want to do, too.

I love being spontaneous. It has been particularly enjoyable being spontaneous with my best friend/ boy friend. He's up for basically anything I wanna do. I think he has a very Carpe Diem attitude, and I really admire it. So I've been seizing the day: watching sunsets, kissing in the rain, dancing under the stars, singing to the radio, driving with the sunroof and windows down, playing in the park...etc!

It's been a blast! This week has been incredible. Probably one of the best weeks I've had in a long time and it is because I am standing up: I am doing what I want; I am living life and loving it. I'm doing the things that I want, the way that I want to.

I'm baking cookies; I'm listening to others. I'm telling people how I feel. I'm playing, singing, laughing, smiling, kissing more. I'm writing! I'm reading!

I'm thinking about Australia: about bearing my testimony, meeting new people, talking in public, making others laugh, and watching out for crocodiles. I'm not afraid when I think about being a missionary and living in Australia.

I'm sleeping and eating, dancing and twirling. I'm wearing a hat and having attitude. I'm looking in the mirror and feeling beautiful.

Carpe Diem.... Carpe Diem ... CARPE DIEM!!!

Cut and Paste

I wrote a book. I don't know how many of you know that. But I did. And I would be trying to get it published right now, but uhhh--- I'm leaving for a mission soon. Besides, I think there is still a lot of work to do on it before I'm fully prepared to publish it.

But when I get home...! That is my plan: to start working on publishing my book. It may take years. Heck, it's already taken me about 6-7 years to write the book. I started it when I was 14-ish. I wrote the words "THE END" when I was about 17-ish, and I have been working on it since then, revising, editing, adding more detail, etc.

I've been a little busy, so I haven't had a chance to work on my book lately--- like in the past four to five months or so. I did, however, look at it this morning. I'm a pretty good writer. No, really--- not too shabby. -lol-

Cutting and pasting was really fun. It worked, too. I felt iffy about a certain section I was reading and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I switched some paragraphs around and it really helped. It was pretty awesome how I was able to piece it together, like a puzzle. And if I didn't like the changes, I could just cut and paste it back the way it was. I love writing, and I love talking about writing. I can't wait until I start tutoring again.

Hero

I wish
I was like you.

Brave
And not shy,
Not afraid to
Ask why.

I wish I could
Be honest and true,
Be funny and creative
Like you.

You're out going and fun.
You make me wish
I could be more.

Because I know you
I don't feel like a zero.
And that is why
You are my hero.

(I wrote this August 1, 2007)

According to Bill

Bill Bryson wrote a book called In a Sunburned Country. It isn't the only book that he wrote, but I think it is probably my favorite. Not that I've read all of his books, but this one is about Australia, so I'm a little biased.

My sister suggested the book to me. It was one of the first things she said to me when I told her that I am going to Australia. "Read this book!" she said. I bought it and have been reading it since. It is a book of Bill Bryson's impressions and experiences in Australia. He is a very good writer, and I'm loving the book.

According to Bill Bryson,

Australia is the world's sixth largest country and its largest island. It is the only island that is also a continent, and the only continent that is also a country....[and] is the only nation that began as a prison....It has more things that will kill you than anywhere else. Of the world's ten most poisonous snakes, all are Australian. Five of its creatures...are the most lethal of their type in the world. This is a country where even the fluffiest of caterpillars can lay you with a toxic nip, where seashells will not just sting you but actually sometimes go for you....If you are not stung or pronged to death in some unexpected manner, you may be fatally chomped by sharks or crocodiles, or carried helplessly out to sea by irresistible currents, or left to stagger to an unhappy death in the baking outback. It is a tough place... (6)

And this is where I am going on a mission. :)

Bill Bryon also says this:

Let me just say right here that I love Australia---adore it immeasurably---and am smitten anew each time I see it....The people are immensely likable---cheerful, extrovert, quick-witted, and unfailingly obliging. Their cities are safe and clean and nearly always built on water. They have a society that is prosperous, well ordered, and instinctively egalitarian. the food is excellent. The beer is cold. The sun nearly always shines. There is coffee on every corner. Rupert Murdoch no longer lives there. Life doesn't get much better than this. (10)

Those quotes I've just shared with you are simply in the introduction. He goes into more details, obviously, as he travels the country. Reading this book--- this is where I feel like I am on Reading Rainbow--- has made me realize two things, if not more:

1- Australia is dangerous.
2- I'm gonna have a blast!

I CANNOT wait until I go to Australia. It is as simple as that. I love reading about it, watching shows about it and its animals and people and I simply cannot stop thinking about it. I believe wholly that it is where I am supposed to go. And I can't wait.

Sink or Swim

I'm not much of a swimmer. I used to be when I was a kid. Not the greatest even then, but I used to swim. I think I might have even certified in swimming, if there is such a thing.

Somewhere between elementary or junior high, however, I decided that I did not like swimming and never wanted to swim again. I don't know why. It might have been because of a bad experience. I don't remember. Maybe it was just a poor attempt to claim that I am growing up and no longer like swimming, if there is such a strange connection between swimming and not growing up. Most likely, I just no longer fit my swim suit and did not want to go in search for another.

It has been YEARS since I have been swimming. When my sister invited me to come and visit her in Arizona, she said it was unacceptable to not swim. She would toss me in the pool if it came to it. Upon hearing that, I decided that I would either have to sink or swim.

I chose to swim.

My other sister and I went on a quest to find the perfect swim suit. Amazingly enough, we found one. (I say that glibly, but it really was quite a quest.) When I got to Arizona, my sister and her husband called to me to go swimming with them. I put on my swim suit, put on some sun screen and headed to the pool. My sister handed me a floaty, and I got in the pool.

And I swam. I liked it, once I got in there. Also, believe it or not, I jumped off the diving board--- more than once! And shhhh... I even let go of the floaty a couple times. I wouldn't say that I am the best swimmer in the world, but at least I like swimming again. At least I got in the water and tried.

I think going to Australia will be like this. I will have to choose to "sink or swim" when I get there. I'm not saying that I am literally going to have to swim when I get there. (In fact, quite oppositly. I don't expect to go swimming at all.) But I am saying that I am going to need a little courage to be a missionary in Australia. There will be a choice to either chicken out and fail, or be brave and succeed. I choose the latter.

Produce section

Okay. The most annoying thing in the Universe. I went shopping with my sister today. No, shopping with my sister isn't the most annoying thing. Nor was it what store we went to. It wasn't what we bought, either. In fact, we found this really delicious Australia licorice!--- And we got this very tasty strawberry cream soda.

The most annoying thing in the world was walking through the produce section and thinking in code numbers. "Do you like pinapples?" my sister would ask me. My thought; Pineapple... what is a pinapple? Oh, yes! 4430. "There's some cucombers."---Cucumbers: 4062. I walk by the red lettuce: 4475. Green lettuce: 4476. Red potatoes: 4073. White potatoes: 4083....

IT IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING IN THE UNIVERSE!

It is annoying because... yes... I worked at Harmon's, the local grocery store, for three years--- and I just quit last week. Last Saturday was my last day. I shouldn't have to think in codes anymore.

Thinking about it, I guess it is funny. But it was extremly annoying at the time.

I'm sitting down

Just because I want something doesn't necessarily give me the right to have it. I was pretty selfish last weekend. I was only doing what I want. Not what I need to do. I've been slacking off in some things. And that's not like me. I want to blame someone else. But in all reality, it isn't his fault. It's mine. I didn't have my head on straight. I wanted to only do what I want. People do only what they want all the time. Why couldn't I?

I realized yesterday, however, that I'm not like other people. I'm not selfish. I care a lot about people and other people's feelings. And I can't change that characteristic in myself. No matter how hard I try I will always care about others and their feelings. It's my nature. I can't truly be selfish.

But it's fun sometimes: to be anti-social, to be only with my best friend/ boy friend and not do anything else, to care only about what I want and not worry about anyone else, to speak my thoughts, to be first...

So--- right now I'm trying to find a balance. I want to find somewhere between keeping my caring self and not shirking my responsibilities, and doing and getting what I want. There has to be a balance. I bet I can find it if I sit down. That is what I'm doing: sitting down. My stand--- declaring that I want to do what I want--- was a little hasty. I have to think this through. I'm not a selfish person, and if I become selfish I'll become someone/ something I'm not. I'll "blink," as my sister says, and not know who I am anymore and wonder how I became what I am.

What I want

A friend of mine has a saying: "Do what you want." I wish I could do that. It's really good advice.

All my life I've seemed to mold my life around others. How can I make others happy? I put myself and my needs after the needs of others. I care about people. I care about others' feelings. I'm a good listener and I'll let someone else speak before I say anything.

I step to the side, let others go first. As long as my friends and family are happy and getting what they want, it doesn't matter if I don't get what I want. I can go without. I don't mind wallowing in my unhappiness for a little while if it makes someone else happy.

So--- I say a lot of things I sometimes don't mean. I keep a lot of my feelings inside so I don't hurt other people. I make others laugh; I laugh at other people's lame jokes. I hide when I'm angry or upset. I cry alone.

I'm sick of it! I hate showing two sides of me. I want to "DO WHAT I WANT," as my friend suggests. If I am hungry, I am going to eat. If I feel like crying, I am going to cry.

I want to live with my sister, Dad. It's closer to school and work. Trust me on this. I'll have enough money to go on my mission.

I'll probably sell my car. Yes, but give me some time. Let me figure it out. Don't tell me what to do. I want to do it my way.

I want to tutor instead of working at the grocery store. Yes, I'm quitting. Get over it.

I want to read Harry Potter. No interruptions, please. I want to blog. I want to write. I want to sing. I want to dance. Leave me alone. Don't make fun of me.

I want to be with my best friend. I don't want to date anyone else. I don't want him to date anyone else. I want to dance in the rain. I want to kiss in the snow.

This is me saying what I want. ----See me?---- I'm on my chair. (okay, not really, but it makes it seem more dramatic if I am standing up tall.) I am saying what I want. This time YOU can go without. I'm getting what I want... because I am going to DO WHAT I WANT.