A New Reflection:
I can't think.
I can't breath.
Tears stream
down my cheek.
Who is that
in the mirror
looking at me?
It isn't the angel,
the child I once knew.
It isn't the girl,
so predictable and shy.
She is a rebel:
careless and hopeless;
tearful and less careful.
I want the old me.
I want to change
A Lot of things.
How can I turn back time?
Why can't I change this one thing?
This reflection is new.
Who is that in the mirror?
Right now
It frightens me...
embarrasses me...
to look and not see
that the girl is just me.
(April 26, 2007)
I see myself differently than others. I get that. This week I realized how much people are watching me. And they, most likely, are drawing conclusions and judgments about who I am. Normally I wouldn't care. I'm not one to worry about my social standings or whatnot. I don't gossip; I try not to judge. I sometimes forget that people actually do those things.
Most of the time I like being me. Of course, and unfortunately, there are moments---for example, on April 26, 2007, when I wrote the poem above--- that I don't necessarily like what I see when I look at my reflection in the mirror.
Apparently, I am the talk of the singles ward. Why? Because I am going on a mission. Not just any old mission, you see: Australia!--- very exciting. I guess I can't blame people for wanting to talk about it. It is very cool... or as Mac (my boyfriend/ best friend, remember?) would say, "tight."
Speaking of Mac, we're pretty close now, really good friends... who are... well, in love. People like to make judgments about that, too. Family members worry. Friends get sick of me talking about him and even, perhaps, feel jealous that I choose to be with him more than with them.
They can't see what I see when I look in the mirror--- or try to see when I look in the mirror: a girl who has a love for the gospel and a firm testimony that God has asked her to be a missionary, to teach and preach to the people in the Australia Perth Mission (APM... is what the RMs called it.)
For some reason, they see someone who is in love, which I am--- but they also see (or worry that they will see) a silly, naive girl who is on the verge of throwing away this awesome opportunity to go to Australia for a boy.
I wish I could assure them that I know what I'm doing. But I uhhh--- (confession here!) sometimes don't. This is my first real relationship with a guy. I've never had a boyfriend before, and Mac has never had a girlfriend before. And to complicate it all, I AM GOING ON A MISSION. Satan is real and he is tempting me. He wants me to look in the mirror and see a girl who isn't strong; to see a girl who cannot say no, who is afraid to try her luck in missionary work in a very foreign, dangerous land down under.
I wish that I could, instead, see the reflection that God sees. What does God see when He looks at me? Probably someone who is confident; beautiful, a daughter of God; a girl who is worthy to serve a mission and is, in fact, vital and important in His plan; someone who is loved and supported by those who are around her; also, she has the strength to overcome the trials she is given.
You see, I believe that God sees us as we can become. He sees our potential and He sees me differently than I do when I look in the mirror. I'm starting to see that reflection... sorta. I wish it wasn't so fuzzy. Why can't it be clearer? Does anyone have some Windex? Who's got the paper towels?
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2 comments:
I love the poem. I hate to be the one to tell you that the reflection that you see will never be as clear or as strong as what God sees because it is just that...a reflection. Reflected light is never as strong as the real thing. Just trust that He knows you and your potential and would never ask you to do something that you can't handle.
Thanks. I thought it was a good poem, too. And I'm not sad. Just pensive. I needed to vent; you know how it is.
I was sad when I wrote the poem, though. Sometimes my best poetry comes from when I am sad.
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