Safe

I get scared easily. Halloween? Forget it. I hate Halloween. Scary movies? No way. I get nightmares. Long Test exam? daaaahhhh! I want to run away. I do a lot of thinking. And when I do, I sometimes get really scared about life, about things...

Like the wind right now. I like the rain and all, but the wind is kind of scaring me. I've never been in a hurricane/tornado before. But what if I am in one right now? What if the house blows over? oooo.... I'm actually really scared right now. *hides under the covers*

I'm really happy that it is raining, but--- I'm feeling very unsafe about this wind. It is so noisy. And it's knocking at my door, windows and roof. It's whistling down the chimney. I have a very big imagination. In fact, maybe this is the end of the world! I don't know if I'm ready for the end of the world. What does Revelations say about the end of the world? Does it mention anything about the wind??

Seriously, I'm fine about the wind thing. I prayed. I'm going to be okay. But I think this storm makes a really good analogy for how I am feeling right now.

The wind is my imagination... trying to scare me... about the mission call. But I'm not scared because I have my distraction and my testimony.

Potentially, I could be really scared right now. I am about to get my mission call. I am expecting it tomorrow afternoon. I don't know where I am going to go. With my big imagination, I could imagine... just about anything. Any place. Real or fiction. Just a minute ago, I imagined I was called to the moon. Why would my mission call say that I am called to go to the moon? Are there aliens that need to hear about the gospel?

What I'm trying to say is that I could be very scared right now. But I'm not. Do you want to know why? I'm distracted. I didn't think it was going to be a good distraction, but it really has been. So far, anyway. It's a good symbiosis. He distracts me enough so I don't get scared. I like hanging out with him because he makes me feel safe....

Just once...

Just once, I'd like to get mail for me. Every time I go out to the mailbox, it's mail for my parents. Bills, mostly. Advertisements, too. There are no letters for me. With as many pen pals that I have, you'd think I'd get more mail.

I liked it when I would get mail at my apartment. Yes, even the bills. And, yes, even the advertisements. They were all addressed to me. It's like the messages on my answering machine. They were all for me. Now when the phone rings, it's mostly for me, but I still get people from the ward or people who don't know that my parents are away, calling.

I understand that people call for my parents. And I understand that bills and advertisements and packages have to come for my parents. But just once, I'd like something for me...

I think getting my mission call in the mail is going to be extra, extra special. I mean, it is going to have my name. Correct? It's already special for that reason. And it most likely won't say "Mrs." --- I periodically get mail that says that. I don't know why! (I think they're stupid.)

It will tell me where I'm going and when I'm leaving. That will be special. And it will be from the Presidency of the Church. THAT will be special.

Where, when, which Wednesday?

I want to be a missionary. I just turned in my papers last Sunday. All I need now is an interview from the Stake President and then my papers of missionary recommendation will be submitted to the first presidency to pray and receive revelation on where I am to go and then they will send me a letter---- THE letter that will tell me where I am going and when I am leaving.

I am told that it will come on a Wednesday.

Some people say that they have impressions and thoughts about where they are going to go, or about the people they are going to serve--- before they get their call. I don't know if I have been experiencing such things. But lately, I have been thinking a lot about Boston, Philadelphia... the east coast of the United States.

Of course a month ago, when I was filling out the papers, I had a lot of thoughts about Australia. And the month before that I couldn't get over the idea of going to England.

Sometimes it about kills me that I don't know where I'm going yet. And other times it really excites me. The other night (4th of July) I was out with a friend. We went to see the fireworks together. Afterwards, we sat under the stars, talking, and looking at the sky. "This time next year," I told him, "I could be ANYWHERE in the world." And for a moment, I stared at the stars and imagined myself one year from then, looking at the same sky (probably miles and miles away), thinking about that night I watched the fireworks and sat with my friend.

Where would I be? Would I be in the United States? Would I see fireworks with my companion? Or would I be in another country? Would I celebrate that country's independence? Are there countries that have their own independence day? Do they shoot off fireworks, too?

What will I be like? Who will I be teaching? Will I be discouraged? What will I be feeling? What will I be thinking?

I like this dreamy-pensive feeling I get when I think about my mission call. But none of this means anything if I never get my call. Sometimes it feels so up-in-the-air that I'm not sure if it is really going to happen. I really, really, really want it to happen. You know what would help me feel like this is all really going to happen? A mission call.

So.... where, when, which Wednesday?? I want to know.